If you were to play that voice in your head on a loud speaker for everyone around you to hear, how would that make you feel? Bluetooth connected. Speaker on. Would you cringe or would you feel proud?

That voice can get really nasty. Like, really nasty. The range of negative self talk is incredibly eye opening. In the work I get to do working with women, I’ve come to learn just how deeply unkind we can be to ourselves.

Self-love is no longer just another popular catch phrase I see on a bracelet or slapped onto graphic tees. It’s like waking up one day and realizing we are living in a self love crisis.

One simple search and you’ll find studies done to measure self-worth, wellbeing, and happiness, and how age, gender, country, marital status, and living standards impact how people feel about themselves. You’ll also find a lot of spiritual text and psychology on the many faces of the Ego and how to handle it. Some spiritual teachers believe it must be destroyed and dissolved. Pop culture says channeling your inner Beyonce does the trick.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to turning that inner bully into a loving kind friend. But it does take work. It does take learning and trying different ways to coexist.

In this post, I’m sharing a way I’ve learned to dance with my ego. To make that voice a little less scary.

There is No Batman without Joker

Just as there is no life without death, light without dark, love without hate, Ariel without Ursula, Luke without Vader, Tom without Jerry, or Dorothy without the Wicked Witch; there is no you without your inner critic. You don’t have to fear her, you just need to get playfully curious about what sort of trouble or mischief she’s up to today.

• Does she show up when you’re getting ready in the morning and you’re looking at yourself in the mirror?

• Does she show up at work during a team meeting and just as you are about to speak up about an idea or a thought, she sneaks in at the right moment to tell you how ridiculous you are going to sound?

Everyday is like a new episode ready to air. The good news? You’re the producer. You get to decide who wins. It’s a dance off. A battle. A playful game of hide and seek. You see, she is neither good or bad. That voice is a neutral force. She’s there to keep you on your toes. She exists only to remind you of your true inner power.

Villains Need Love Too

Could you imagine the look on Captain Hooks face if Peter Pan were to give him a big fat hug and say, “I love you Hook. My life is such an adventure with you in it.” It would be pretty awkward.

Stay with me on this. Say for example you are working out in front of the mirror and you don’t like what you see. The inner critic gets ahold of that mic and starts pointing out all the things. The cellulite here, that roll there, the wrinkle here, that other imperfection there.

What-if in that moment you knew it wasn’t you saying those things. Instead it’s a force reminding you to stand tall and flex who’s boss.

There’s a split second moment where you get to decide who wins. That’s the moment where you flex your power. Whether it’s in love or gratitude, there’s a specific moment that defines whether you win or lose. You get an opportunity to say:

• Wow, look how much stronger you are today than you were when you first started!
• Great job for showing up today, I know you didn’t feel like it.
• Awesome you held that plank 4 seconds longer today, high five!

It’s a glowing portal to victory!

Bad Guys Win The First Encounter

If you’re enjoying all these character references, then you my friend, are my people. My 13 year old son told me the bad guys always win the first encounter but eventually the hero comes through in the end. We don’t always win. We’re not always going to win.

But those losses?

They make us stronger.

Those days we take the BIG L and the inner critic wins, there’s always tomorrow. Each morning when your eyes open, let out a big thank you. Everyday is like an invitation from my creator welcoming me in. I take a deep breath and fill my heart with gratitude to still be in the game. Another day on the playground, another chance to win.

Yesterday might have been one of the worst days in a long time but you get to write the script for a new day – and that’s all we could ever ask for.

The law of duality and the art of dancing with your inner critic isn’t a new concept.

The important takeaway is that self-love cannot be taught. We have to model it for our littles every single day. If we want them to look into the mirror and smile, they have to see us do it too. The journey to deeper love and acceptance takes time.

It takes healing.

If your inner voice has been on a winning streak for a while now, I hope this sparks a different way to approach how to embrace your uniqueness and individuality – because it’s the very thing that make you, you.

With consistent effort, you’ll learn to dance with that ego of yours and one day you’ll wake up realize, you’re not afraid of her anymore.

---